Tornado warnings and flash floods

This spring and early summer have been incredibly rainy.  On the positive side of things, my surroundings are very lush and green.  The negative, well, I'm sure you can imagine what too much rain and a lack of sun will do to a community.

Especially a community still recovering from traumatic flooding less than eighteen months ago.

As I drove over one of the bridges tonight, the river was raging.  It has risen inches, maybe more, just over the last two days.  We now get emergency alerts on our phones, televisions and radios about possible flash flooding when there is an abundance of rain.  Just last week we also received a tornado warning.  It actually touched down briefly, although nothing even close to what occurs when a tornado touches down out west.  This was 'merely' an F2. It took down a number of trees, which in turn took down power lines, destroyed some cars and damaged a few buildings, but nothing close to what they're dealing with in Oklahoma. 

Natural disasters generally bring out two types of responses in people.  For some, the adrenaline hits and they go into "doer" mode.  There is no time to panic, there is work to be done, recovery efforts to begin, people to look out for, etc.  For others, the crisis is overwhelming and can be incapacitating, rendering them incapable of even making simple decisions for a time.  This can be initial shock, but it can also be a precursor to an individual allowing the crisis to overcome them. 

Disasters aren't limited to nature, of course.  Life has it's share of man-made disasters as well.  Some stem from breaks in the lines of communication, others from poor choices, still others are much more random, unexpected and out of our control.  Yet, one thing that is still in our control is how we respond to these disasters and crises as they occur. 

Today is only Tuesday, yet by noon I said to one of my co-workers, "I know this job can be stressful, but I can't remember the last time I was this stressed at work, and it's only Tuesday!"  Every time I turned around something outside of my control was falling apart -- and I had to pick up the pieces.  Make things work.

The good news is, just as I no longer run to the couch and hide my head under all the pillows when I hear thunder (yes, I did actually outgrow that many years ago!), I didn't run screaming, or quit my job when things got out of hand.  This is progress, people!  I haven't quit a job because of stress, but I've definitely had plenty of meltdowns!  But not today.  And after the crisis passed (yes, it did indeed pass), I was able to see that little victory and realize, yes!!  I'm still making progress!  The tortoise is still going.  :-)

So what DO you do when you get the hypothetical flash flood or tornado warning and the crisis hits?  [insert the details of your most recent life or work crisis here]  Well, in today's situation all I could do was take a breath, then verify the facts.  Once I did that I realized there was nothing I could do to "fix" it.

And panicking would not help.  However, I could determine alternate steps -- plan B, so to speak.  It took a couple of hours and many phone calls, but we were able to adapt and flex; it all seems to be working out in a manner of speaking. 

Thinking logically and clearly is not a gift that everyone has in times of crisis or high stress.  But, it can be developed.  Just do the next thing.  Everyone gets overwhelmed when looking at all the things they have to do, or the enormity of a crisis.  But it goes back to the simple saying we've all heard so many times, "how do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time."

Does this mean I'll never have another meltdown?  Probably not.  We all have our moments, don't we?  But today, as I reflect on the past few years, I can say that they are decidedly fewer and for that I am grateful.  Life is much more peaceful when we are anchored to the Rock.

My favorite hymn remains, "...rock of ages cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee..."

"Flood Evacuation Route"

Today I drove through a region that, just 14 months ago, was ravaged by horrific floods.  Much rebuilding has been done but the town, especially the center of the village, will never be the same.  Many small businesses lost, many homes condemned, historic places now damaged beyond repair. 

Yet around us the seasons keep changing.  Time goes on.  

Today was a lovely fall day.  The sun was shining in a partly cloudy sky and the trees were bright with color – shades of green turning to yellow, orange, and even some red.  The creek that flooded so incredibly on that day was down to a mild flow after a very dry summer. 

As I drove through the center of town I turned onto a rode I was unfamiliar with, following it through another neighborhood.  I came to a narrow, one-way bridge and marveled again that this small creek could have wreaked such havoc on the community.  But, as we all know, it’s not just one creek.  It is many factors.  In this case, a dam burst farther upstream causing the creek to overflow profoundly, creating an historic '500 year flood' with incredible amounts of damage to this particular valley. 

As I passed over the bridge I saw a blue & white sign by the road that said “Flood Evacuation Route.”  Never having lived in a flood zone, this sign was new to me.  As I continued on the road I quickly realized why this particular way was the evacuation route.  The road quickly became very steep as it wound up the mountainside. 

With the weather being as beautiful as it was today, my first thought was, “I can’t wait to get to the top so I can see the view of the valley and all the foliage!”  Then I saw another “Flood Evacuation Route” sign and I started thinking about the families that had made this trek fourteen months earlier with everything they could grab from their homes before the flood waters got too high, leaving them without a way of escape. 

They didn't have much time.  Those flood waters came FAST.  Dams don’t break slowly so you can have time to pack up your things.

Today was a day of very mixed feelings.  I did enjoy the drive back down the mountain.  It is a truly beautiful valley.  And I know many people that live there.  They have worked hard this past fourteen months to rebuild their homes and their community and they do not want our pity.  They have lost much, but many of them have gained incredibly deep perspective and even deeper appreciation for life and loved ones.

And that is what I end with today.  In life, floods come.  Disaster comes.  Sometimes we see it coming and can prepare, but most often it blindsides us.  We can let it destroy us, or we can come back stronger.  Coming back stronger doesn't mean you don’t cry, don’t feel pain, or take time to mourn your loss.  We are human after all, and those are necessary parts of healing.  But afterwards, we know we can make it through.  

Because we already have.

When the Bottom Drops Out

     If you've never seen the movie, "The Emperor's New Groove", I highly recommend it.  If you have however, there's one scene in particular that I'm thinking of as I sit to write this post.  Actually, it's a scene that is repeated in many different movies.  The main character of whatever movie it is somehow ends up in a river unexpectedly -- maybe on a raft, or tied to a piece of tree trunk (as in "The Emperor's New Groove), or in a canoe, or trying mightily to swim to shore -- and then, the music changes dramatically, "Dum, dum, DUMMMMMMM!!!" and suddenly, a giant waterfall is just around the bend!!!  

     Time is suspended and it seems like each second lasts forever as we wait with anticipation to see if our hero survives the plunge over the falls and into the waters below, or if they resurface downstream, lifeless...broken...overcome by the violence of the river.

     Life is like that.  Except without the music to warn us of the coming plunge.  In life, the bottom often drops and the river ends suddenly and without warning, plunging us hundreds of "feet" -- which can be fatal to us emotionally -- and it can happen with just a phone call or an unexpected visitor.  Life happens that fast.  

     I witnessed this in the life of a dear friend of mine today.  She received a phone call, and moments later I received a phone call from her.  She couldn't even talk.  I only heard my name, and her broken voice, sobbing. "I need help."  I hung up the phone and ran -- literally -- to her side.  Held her while she sobbed over the tragedy that had struck her family so suddenly and senselessly.  I had no words.  I just held her tightly in my arms.

     But then she asked me to pray for her.  

     What?  Pray?  Well, of course, I do that.  Pray.  But I don't know what to say at this moment.  I'm at a complete loss for words.  I've never been in this kind of situation before.  This kind of tragedy is beyond my comprehension, really.  I'm just here to ... um ... uhhh ... 

     "Jesus. ... Jesus, help..."

     Uh, Lord?  Why did you send me here?  I'm not equipped!  I don't have the words!!  I just love her and I ache for her, I want to help her but I don't know how.  Help me help her!!!

     In His faithfulness, He answered my desperate plea for help.  He reminded me that He is our Father.  That He, too, has experienced tragic loss and He understands how it feels.  He knows our pain.  He aches and weeps with us.  He longs to comfort us.  In this world we will never be free from sorrow, tragedy, loss or pain, but He is here and will walk through the valleys with us.  He had to watch wicked men torture and kill His Son, all so that He could redeem us.  

     Life in the river is so unpredictable.  But we have a Father who loves us so much that He sent His Son to live life in the river -- with all of its twists and turns, rapids and waterfalls -- so that He could make a way for us to go through it and survive.  Not only that, but reach others who may be drowning along the way and offer them hope as well.  

     As I held my friend and prayed to our Father for His comfort, peace began to fill the room.  No, it wasn't fixed.  The tragedy was still real, the tears still came.  But we both acknowledged that He was there.  That He knew the pain, and that He would be the faithful Comforter.  The fear of the unknown was there, but it was less.  There will be many days of rapids, and maybe even more cliffs in the near future.  That's the nature of the river.  

     But we're not in it alone.

Please don't try to change me.

People in relationships are interesting.  Especially relationships of a romantic nature.  When we're younger, with perhaps less maturity, or more innocence, we approach relationships with abandon -- willing to do anything, lay aside self, for the sake of the other -- or at the very least, each other.  What we want to do gets lost in the desire to do what the object of our affection wants to do.

In plain English, girls end up watching football when they'd rather be doing their nails, and guys end up at the mall holding purses while their girls are shoe shopping.

Not that this is bad, there certainly needs to be some give and take in relationships, some shared experiences, even if the hobbies themselves aren't shared.  It's about putting the other first.  But something happens as people mature in relationships.  I've seen it in myself.

In the beginning we're willing to do all the stuff the other person likes because we want them to like us.  We want desperately to make a connection.  Women do this especially.  But after a while who you really are starts begging to come out again.

When you see more mature people in relationship, you see more honest dialogue happening -- rather than feigning an interest in football or shopping, or whatever else, someone who has been through a few relationships will most likely be quite up front about what they like and don't like!  By this time you'll probably see women shopping together and men golfing together!  Not because their relationships are in trouble, but because they know who to do what with!  He likes to golf, she doesn't, and that's OK!!  Of course, some couples BOTH like to golf, (or some other hobby) and they do that together!  That's OK too.

Why, oh WHY is all of this on my mind tonight, you ask?  Because, of course, someone tried to "change" me today.  Tried to tell me what I should like, what I should want.  And I had to, most assertively, yet, graciously, tell him "no."

It's hard to be assertive and gracious at the same time.  Especially when you're annoyed and offended!  So the entire evening, as I was making dinner and then doing dishes, I had a tirade going on in my head about men who think they can come into my life and just take over -- there have been a couple of them!!  They have these detailed plans of how my life is supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to change -- and better yet, apparently God "told" them all of this!  Funny thing is, He hasn't told me yet.  Anyone who approaches me because of what I can do for them, or be for them -- especially "after a few improvements" -- is clearly not pursuing me with the right motivation and perspective.

So, imperfect as I know I am, God is the only one I trust to completely remodel my life.  He is the only one that I will ever allow to say "OK, so here's the plan I have for you and the areas I want to change..."  Anyone else that can't accept me with my imperfections will be graciously, yet humbly, refused.  I am not a good enough or strong enough person to be all that someone else needs or wants me to be.  So if they have an agenda, I'm probably not the one.

Please.  Don't try to change me.   Also?  When I say "No."  I mean "NO."

Thank you.

God must think I clean too much...

I tend to have a little OCD.  If you've been reading this blog long enough, you've seen it come up once or twice already!  I like to clean, I like to organize, I have my little routine, I like my life to go just the way I plan it.  I'm flexible enough to be able to handle curve balls, I'm prepared for emergencies and the unexpected, but for the most part, I like to be in control (to put it LIGHTLY!!).


But when chronic pain comes into your life, it takes over and you no longer have control.  


I've learned that this past year and I must say, it has NOT been my favorite life lesson.  As you can see from my last post, I also moved in the middle of it all, which added its own set of challenges.  But when chronic pain enters in, you pretty much lose control of the organized, controlled, perfect life that you may have had before.  


For me, it was all I could do to keep my job as the pain took over.  The social life and house work that I was normally entirely on top of started to be done less often.  The social life went completely down the drain, and instead of vacuuming and doing the floors a couple times a week (as was my norm) it became less and less frequent.  Thankfully, since I don't have any animals, and with just myself in the house, it wasn't like I descended into living in filth!!  


The funny thing is, after months of an internal battle, I finally realized that it was OK!  The world hadn't come to a screeching halt because I wasn't vacuuming my carpets every day, or wiping down every last bit of counter top in the kitchen before I went to bed every single night, even if I hadn't cooked.  In fact, everything was just fine and my home was quite neat, clean and comfortable.  


Most importantly, during this very difficult, dark time in my life physically, as God has allowed me to experience this trial that has impacted my life so much, He has shown me many life lessons about what really matters.  


Cleanliness matters.  Organization matters.  


But what matters more is balance.  He cares about me for who I am, not for how often I vacuum my carpet, or how sparkling clean my kitchen floor is.  Does that mean I shouldn't do these things?  Of course not.  It merely means that I should not put too much emphasis on them.  


I should not become obsessed with them.  I should do them because they need to be done, not because I need to do them.  


Subtle difference there, did you catch it?


And when I do only the things that need to be done, rather than doing things that make me feel like I've accomplished much and have value because I'm such a wonderful, OCD homemaker, why, then I have much more time to rest, and to spend with my Master Jesus.  


Speaking of Whom, I also realized that sometimes when we're out of balance He allows things to happen that bring us back into balance if we are willing to stop for a moment so He can help us find balance again.  


Paul said it so well when he spoke of his thorn -- "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness.'...That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, ...for when I am weak, then I am strong."    2 Cor 12:9-10


I have so much to learn, these are just a few musings from the past year.  My experience with chronic pain is not yet over, although my doctors have found and are treating the source, thank God!  I write this as a reminder -- I do not want to forget what I have learned; I hope that it may also encourage someone else to find the balance we need in our lives.  


Our value is in Him -- not in what, or how much, we do.  Never forget that.

Moving and Chronic Migraine

        Moving has a way of making you feel stupid.  Have you ever gotten up in the morning, gone into your new kitchen and stood there dumbly, unable to remember which cupboard to turn to for a glass?  Well, add chronic migraine to the equation, and the feeling goes on for weeks!

        I have now been in my new home for four weeks and I can finally move around my kitchen almost seamlessly!  It’s not quite like being in my own kitchen, it’s more like being in a friend’s kitchen where you’ve been often enough to have a good idea of where things are, so you only open the wrong cupboard about every other time.  :-)  

        Progress. 

        It’s something you celebrate often when you live with chronic pain.  It’s the little things we used to take for granted.  Like this morning.  Being able to get up quite easily, without having to take it in stages.  If only today was a work day my week would have been so much easier!!  And yet, part of me feels guilty for being excited that I feel so good and it’s a Saturday – MY day!! 

        But this is the first Saturday since I moved in that I’ve felt good so I have MUCH housework to do!

Refuge in the Storm

As I write, I am curled up on my couch. The sliding glass door is open to let in the soothing sounds of a gentle summer rain and hummingbirds darting in for a few last sips before nighttime. It is nearing 8pm and already getting dark outside. The cloud cover is quite heavy.

But so is my heart. In fact, I find the weather to be a perfect fit for the day. It would almost be too cruel if the sun were shining, bright and warm.

Tragedy struck this weekend. A father’s life was taken in an accident while working on his home.

When I heard the news my heart immediately broke for the family of this man. Our families overlap, so I was grieving for the loss of ones I love dearly. I wanted to be transported there immediately to hold them, to comfort them. To DO something.

The feelings of grief were quickly joined by feelings of anxiety – “It happened so quickly and unexpectedly, what’s going to happen next? Am I going to lose another of my own loved ones?” were the questions that plagued my mind throughout the evening and into the next day.

Where is God when things like this happen? How can He allow such disasters as this, that tear families apart, not to mention disasters on a much greater scale like the recent earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes and tsunamis?

Where IS He? How is this part of His plan? Does He know how these tragedies break us? Or is heaven so far away that He doesn’t see us falling to pieces as one senseless thing happens after another?

I went to church yesterday morning looking for answers to these questions. Questions I’ve asked at least a hundred times before, but somehow the answers had escaped me.

My pastor referenced “The Saving Life of Christ”, in which author, Ian Thomas, says, “All that God IS, you HAVE, you can not have more, you do not need to have less”. Colossians 1:26-27 was then quoted“…The mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people… this mystery: Christ in you, the hope of glory…”

Christ in you.

Christ IN you.

No matter what happens, you never have to face it alone.

Deep in my heart I felt a whisper, “Don’t worry baby girl, I’m here.”

We don’t always feel that He is there. We don’t always feel, or even believe, that He is good. We don’t always see evidence that He is on the throne and in control of all.

But He is.

He is here – IN me. He is good – ALL good. He is powerful – reigning over everything.

When we remind ourselves of these truths, His peace comes into even the darkest of situations. Does it remove the pain? Absolutely not. But it helps to ease the fear and anxiety.

As we worship God for Who He Is even when circumstances are trying to convince us otherwise, then His peace that passes all understanding comes in and sets up a guard over our hearts and minds. He carries us through, with tender, loving arms.

Psalm 91:4 “He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings will you take refuge.”

There’s no guarantee that we’ll be preserved from tragedy. In fact, the guarantee is that there WILL be storms in life! But the rest of the guarantee is that we can find refuge in Him. He is always there. He is always faithful. He is Love.

F. E. A. R. -- Illusion or reality?

I've heard fear described as "False Evidence Appearing Real". While I think that is only part of a true definition, it does make me stop and think. How many of the things that strike a chord of fear in my heart are reality, and how many of them are my assumptions of what reality may turn out to be?

For example: being afraid of dogs. Can dogs be harmful and/or dangerous? Absolutely. Are ALL dogs harmful and/or dangerous? Absolutely NOT. So a fear of dogs is sometimes based in reality, while more often than not, based in an ASSUMPTION of reality.

I've been wrestling with what fear is a lot lately because I've been trying to tear down some of the "False Evidence" in my life that is holding me back.

You've heard the phrase, "all bark and no bite". Imagine a child that was attacked by a dog growing into an adult with an incredible fear of dogs. Is that fear valid? Well, it is based in reality, but is it true, or accurate of ALL dogs?

Imagine this. The individual walks up to a house and knocks on the door. There erupts a terrible barking from indoors, proof that a large, angry dog lives inside. Fear immediately strikes at the heart of our friend. Upon a closer look, we find the dog inside the house to be toothless and hobbling about on three legs from an accident years ago, where she was hit by a car. And she's barking out of excitement that someone is visiting!

I'm guessing our friend would find themselves no longer quite so afraid if they were to see the reality of this particular dog scenario.

Why am I thinking so much about dogs and fear?

I've lived my life with much anxiety over many things. In the past 6 months I have begun to realize that I don't want to stay where I am, I'd rather take some steps to move forward in life. But that means facing my fears.

Facing the reality of why I am where I am.

And that is a very frightening thing! It's scary to look inside yourself and be honest about what you find.

But what's amazing is this -- often, when you look inside and figure out what has been holding you back, then decide to face that fear, it's often not nearly as bad, or dangerous, or painful as you expected.

In simple terms, I'm finding I was frightened by a dog with no teeth! Things that I was afraid to try, I am now finding that I can handle quite easily. What was reality many years ago, and enough to hold me back, is now barely enough to slow me down.

What has changed? Has reality changed?

Not really.

But I have changed.

I have grown.

I am stronger. I am wiser. And the things that held me back will no longer hold me down.

False Evidence Appearing Real.

I think I'm starting to get it. And as I get it, I can overcome it.

A Somber Celebration

Today is a big day for America.

Or rather, late last night was.

Sunday, May 1, 2011 -- the day Osama bin Laden was killed. The day justice was served for the atrocity of September 11, 2001. Nearly a decade later.

I must admit, I was not watching television last night when President Obama came on to deliver his special news report. I was sound asleep. Some patriot, huh? :) But we didn't get an advance warning of the planned attack, so how were we to know that we should be watching TV at 10:30pm?

Part of me is a bit envious of those that were mindlessly watching TV at that moment -- those that heard the "Stay tuned for an important message from the President of the United States of America" interruption.

Yet part of me is relieved. I have a brother-in-law in the army currently stationed overseas with my sister and nephew. I can only imagine the terror that would have run through my veins at that message, and the unbearable wait until President Obama came on to speak.

So how did I feel this morning, when I finally figured out what everyone was talking about? Hmmmmm, it was a very bittersweet feeling. The first word that came to mind was, "Finally....."

But "Finally...." what? Finally there will be an end to al Qaeda? I doubt it. In fact, the following thought was, "Oh my God, what will happen next?!" What kind of retaliation will befall America now?

But they started it!

My mind argued with itself all the way to work. I just couldn't figure out how I felt. Or how I was supposed to feel.

As a follower of Jesus Christ we're supposed to forgive our enemies, to love those who persecute us. "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay!" saith the Lord....and all of that.

I heard stories of people staying up all night, filling the streets, cheering and shouting "USA! USA! USA!"

I didn't know WHAT to feel.

Nothing made sense, nothing felt right. And as I read the news stories later in the day, how one of his wives identified his body to US soldiers and confirmed his identity, I found myself thinking, "This man had a family. As much as he was a monster, he had a family. How must they feel right now? Are they relieved? Did they know him as a monster? Did they know how many families he destroyed through his attacks?"

As you may realize by now (especially if you've read much of this blog), my mind often thinks WAYYYYY too much.

So now, at the end of the day, I find myself praying that God would have mercy on his soul. What does that mean, that I want to share Heaven with him? No, not really. And yet, God is sovereign, and I believe that He knows the turmoil of our hearts. And yes, He will repay anything due to Osama bin Laden as a result of the life he lived while on this earth.

And I do not need to hold onto any anger or vengeance in my heart for the man, because if we were to stand together in front of the throne of Heaven, neither one of us would be found righteous. It is only by the blood of Jesus Christ that I can be found worthy to be received into His kingdom. Not by any righteous works of my own.

May God comfort the families of those lost in 9/11, may He bring peace and closure to their hearts, and may He bring healing and peace to the war-torn countries that have been affected by bin Laden's leadership and teachings.

When all you can do is hold on

Summer in New England has been beautiful this year. Many sunny days and warm temperatures have allowed me to enjoy the summer like I haven't in a very long time. We've actually been a few inches behind in rainfall, but as I water my garden myself, I hadn't really noticed.

The past 3 days have been cool and rainy -- VERY rainy. I didn't mind, as it was the first rainy weekend in a while.

This morning I observed the river for the first time in a while. Life has gotten busy and full . . . I have not been to the river in too long. I didn't realized how parched I was, even as I enjoyed the sun's rays.

Our souls are so like the green, growing things around us. While we thrive on sunshine, especially after a long winter, we also desperately need water. It is all too easy to enjoy the sun and despise the rain.

But what did I say just a few lines ago? We're behind in rainfall this year but I hadn't really noticed because I water my plants myself.....oh if only my soul were as fortunate as my plants!

So often we enjoy the sunshine of a full and busy life -- the sunshine of life's blessings, if you will. We see rain as a negative. "Into every life a bit of rain must fall..." And yet it is very rare for us to take on the responsibility of watering our souls the way we water our flowers.

Why is this?

In my less-than-expert, yet experienced opinion, I believe that it is because I see my flowers start to wilt long before I see signs of thirst in my soul. Or maybe its because I have failed to recognize the signs of thirst in my soul.

It's easy enough in a plant, but not so easy to look inside for signs of dryness.

This summer has been wonderful -- so much sunshine!! Rare for this area. But God help me use this as a reminder to water my soul at least as often -- if not more often -- as I water my plants.

Microwave Popcorn Culture

We are an advanced society. We know how to plan, we know how to organize, to schedule and to succeed.

The problem is, we don't know how to wait. We want to make our plan, organize our day and schedule our lives to enjoy success. Much like making microwave popcorn at the end of a long day. Doesn't take long -- starts as an idea, we get up, get it out, pop it in the microwave and 3 minutes later, voila! Enjoy.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. There is a lot of hard work and patience required to reap the benefits of all of our planning, organizing and scheduling. And sometimes, regardless of how well we plan, organize and schedule, things don't turn out the way we expect!

Life is much more like living on a farm than microwaving popcorn. The farmer plans his crops -- he readies the field, plants, fertilizes, prays for sun and for rain, tends to the weeds and other pests, and then finally, after much work in the harvest, he can enjoy the fruits of his labor.

Unless, of course, a disaster strikes. Then it's back to the beginning. More hard work and patience.

So often we see something someone else has -- success, or realizing a dream, sometimes even possessions or other achievements -- and we say, "I want that too!" But its not as easy as microwaving popcorn. Success, dreams, achievement, all of this is harvested, reaped, after much labor. Hard labor.

So often we want to take the easy way -- avoid the hard work and the long, circuitous route.

Just this past weekend Jimmy Fallon received an honorary degree from St. Rose after dropping out of college just before he was to graduate. I was listening to the news, as St. Rose is local so it was quite an item on the local stations! As I was listening I found myself thinking and feeling almost sad. Sure, Jimmy Fallon is popular, has achieved a good measure of success in our culture.

But, I thought, would I want to receive an honorary degree just because I was popular? Or would I want to know I had earned it with my own effort?

I had kept a basil plant on my balcony for a good part of last summer. The salads and dishes I made with that fresh basil were the best I'd ever had. Even better than buying fresh basil at the grocery store! Not because the cooking was extraordinary, but merely because I had grown the plant. Watched it mature and picked its leaves.

Microwave popcorn? Or enjoying the fruits of my labor? Call me old-fashioned, but when it comes to the important stuff, I hope I always exercise patience and put my blood, sweat and tears into it.

I want to hear, "well done".

Available vs. Fully Present

I wrote this last month after a situation at work provided much food for thought.....

Available vs. Fully Present
What's the Difference?

We are encouraged as believers to be available for God to use. Many times we ARE available. But frequently, we are available for the things we expect God to bring along our path. Sometimes, even when we are available, we may miss an opportunity.

Fully present, however, means being 100% in the moment -- with the person, doing the task that God has brought across your path. It means that interruptions become vehicles that God can use to reveal Himself and His plan to use us for His glory.

When we are fully present, our heart, mind and eyes are open to see God in the mundane. We can see Him in the interruptions, and we can see Him in the midst of the crisis. When we are fully present we are blessed to see and experience God in ways that we miss when we are blinded by our idea of what He wants, and how He will use us.

Being fully present also implies that our hearts are in tune -- in constant communication -- with God's. It is through this that we are able to discern which interruptions need to be resisted, as they are truly distractions, and which ones are God, calling us to experience something different and uniquely special in the midst of the ordinary (or even a time of crisis).

Being available to God is vital to being used of God. But let's go one step further and be fully present. Allow Him to open our eyes to everything, big and small, that He brings across our path. In this way, He is able to redeem the mundane and we are able to experience a whole new level of being part of His work.

Clean windows

I read a story the other day about a housewife who criticized her neighbor's laundry (hanging to dry in the yard) and said "She didn't do a very good job! look, the clothes are still dirty! someone needs to teach her how to do the wash properly." She said this to her husband every time her neighbor hung laundry out to dry, until one morning when the laundry looked exceptionally clean. To this she said, "Look at that, someone must have finally taught her how to properly do the wash!"

And to that her husband said, "Actually, dear, I got up early and cleaned the windows."

Our perception of everything truly is clouded by our perspective. For good or bad, we judge everything based on what we know. Based on our experience. This can lead to so many erroneous assumptions, hurtful things being said or done, but when we take a moment to realize the windows may be dirty, or something may be clouding our perspective, we have an opportunity to make things right.

It takes humility to stop and look at the window through which we view the world. It is easy to think that we are right and that we see things clearly. The laundry really did look dirty! But in that little story, there was a difference between the way it looked and the way it was.

Before making a judgment call we should consider looking at the situation from a different angle. Putting ourselves in the other's shoes, a commonly used phrase that means essentially the same thing.

All of us are shaped by our history. History that extends long before we took our first breath. Who our parents are shapes us -- who their parents are shaped them -- where we live, the presence or lack of faith and God in the home, finances, schools, our parent's jobs and principles. So many things shape who we are and how we view the world around us. So much so that we can't even define it sometimes. We just think that we are right, and by the way, doesn't EVERYBODY think the way I do?!?

Well, if they don't, they should because I am RIGHT!!

Right? I mean, doesn't everyone wipe the sink and counter off after washing their hands or running water?

No?

You think that's a little OCD?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........................................................

Does that make it wrong for me to do? No. Does it mean I should expect everyone else to treat a few drops of water on the counter the way I do? No!

Jesus spoke of this a little when He spoke of taking the 2x4 out of our own eye before we try to take the sliver out of our friend's eye. He was speaking of how blind we are to our own faults and how we are easy to spot them and try to correct them in others.

I'd like to make a slight adaptation -- or rather, an addition -- to what He said. Yes, we need to check our own selves before correcting someone else, but sometimes we may need to wash the windows before we make an assumption about someone else.

In other words, maybe we need to think a little more about WHY someone feels the way they do, or believes the way they do, or even acts the way they do, before we label them in our minds. Or before we try to force our beliefs on them. Or expect a certain answer from them.

God has given us a set of life circumstances completely different from anyone else's. Yes, even if we grow up with siblings, there are plenty of factors that make our experiences unique. As much as we want others to recognize that and not put us in a box, we need to remember also that we look at the world through a set of windows that are dirty and clouded with all of the things that shaped us.

We would do well to clean the windows once in a while. Better yet, get up off the couch, out of the house, and go into the other person's world for a little while to better understand them, and to walk with them.

Isn't that what Jesus did for us?

So...who is it about anyway?

We go through life trying to take care of ourselves -- trying to get ahead, trying to reach the top. That is what our culture has programmed into us. Look out for yourself because no one else is going to!

There are certainly things we need to do to be healthy. There's the physical -- eat right, sleep enough, get lots of exercise, etc. The physical affects all other levels of our being. Spiritual, mental and emotional. We also need to take care of those levels by communing with God, following His principles for life, and keeping our environment as free of emotional toxins as possible.

This past week, well more like the past year, my environment has had more than the usual share of emotional toxins. I have learned multiple ways of dealing with them. From adding more physical exercise, to going into deep dark times of denial, to blocking everything else out except things I can excel at, I've "dealt" with them. Not always in a healthy manner, but I've made it through.

But back to this past week -- I found myself very overwhelmed with a few situations that hurt me deeply, but I didn't know how to handle them. In both situations I have yet to have the opportunity to talk with the individual(s).

This has been quite literally making me ill. And miserable. And anxious. And teary. And panicky. All of those things combined do not make for a person that people want to be around! Not even me! I wanted to throw myself off a bridge or something. Well, not all of me, just the anxious-miserable-emotional part.

And then I had a revelation.

It was as if God whispered in my ear, "Hey girl, it's not really about you anyway."

And I said, "whaaaaat?" (sometimes I can be a little slow when it comes to comprehension)

But He said again, "It's not really about you. What would happen if you just listened? What would happen if you just stopped creating every possible argument in your head, imagining everything the other person will say, and just waited? In peace. MY peace. I haven't left you, even when you've done things that have gone against my path for you. I'm still here, I'll be with you then, and I will be with you afterwards. We can get through this together. It's not about you."

Wow. What a revelation. I mean, sometimes I WANT it to be about me!! But in these situations, worrying so much about what to say, what might be said, and how to respond was sucking the life out of me.

"It's not about you anyway"

Well then, who IS it about? First of all, it's about Him. It's about what He wants to do in my heart and life, and in the hearts and lives of others. Secondly, it's about others. "But Lord, even when they are hurting me?!" Yes, even when they are hurting me. Not that I should roll over and play dead, or let them do whatever they want, but that is the point of confrontation anyway. Even though it's uncomfortable. Even though I can't control what the other will say or do.

It's not about me. It's about Him...and them. And if I put them first, He will fulfill His promise to never leave me or forsake me. And He will protect me. Maybe not FROM hurt, but He will be there in it with me. Even if it's caused by something I did or said that I shouldn't have done or said.

Because I am His. And He is mine.

Loved with everlasting love, led by grace that love to know
Spirit, breathing from above, Thou hast taught me it is so
Oh, this full and perfect peace! Oh this transport all divine!
In a love which cannot cease, I am His and He is mine.

Things that once were wild alarms, cannot now disturb my rest;
Closed in everlasting arms, pillowed on the loving breast.
Oh, to lie forever here, doubt and care and self resign,
While He whispers in my ear, I am His, and He is mine.

Lyrics by George Wade Robinson

Time passes

Nearly two years have passed since I wrote about the river. I no longer live on its banks. It is almost as if the river ended at the ocean and the last two years have left me floundering around, trying to keep my head above water.

So much has happened. Two more sisters got married. One is now separated. [Life does not always unravel the way we expect or plan, but somehow God can still work in the ashes if we are willing] My father has been gone for four years now but just tonight I thought I saw him at a gas station. That was enough to shake me up a little when I realized that it wasn't possible because he's not alive.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Spring has arrived after a very long winter. Isn't it interesting to see how the seasons in our lives parallel the seasons in nature? Change is good. Change is necessary for growth. Death is necessary for new life in some situations. Sometimes we must give up one thing only to find that something better comes into our lives.

And sometimes we just have to give up things. And oh, the pain.

Where is God in that? Where is God when we find something we love so dearly, that fits so perfectly, and then it is taken away? What is He thinking up there? How does it make Him feel to allow us to go through such pain and loss?

These questions and many more have been ever at the forefront of my mind as the river has spit me out into the cold, dark, monstrous ocean.

What would happen if I just stopped fighting? Fighting for air, fighting to keep my head above water. Fighting to reach solid ground. Fighting to form a plan for survival.

There are days of great success. Days when the winds are not so strong and the sun shines warmly and I can make much progress. There are even days when I can celebrate and enjoy the nature that is all around -- maybe swimming with dolphins or laughing at the antics of sea otters. Such fun-loving creatures! And there are some days when I feel that I have finally reached solid ground, finally getting somewhere, finally able to breathe and relax. I can see the shore!

But then another storm comes and takes me even deeper.

Deeper.

There's a word we use a lot. "I want to go deeper..." with Christ, with our spiritual journey, with friends and relationships, with knowledge and experience.

But deeper is not fun when you're not in control! There's some scary stuff out there and I, for one, would love to be able to rest in the shallows for a while! I would like to climb out of the ocean, out of the river, out of ALL bodies of water, and just rest on the shore soaking up the sun and not moving.

Not fighting.

For survival, for progress, for advancement, for air, for life.

Just resting.

Breathing.

Sleeping, even.

Jesus says, "come to me everyone who is weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."

Oh, how I long for that! Jesus, I am sinking....I am so weary. Please let me rest. Take my struggles, my fears, my sin, all the things that hold me captive, and hold me in Your arms. Protect me and give me rest. Much needed rest.

I love the ocean -- the waves speak to me of His awesome power over the universe. They speak of his steadfastness and constancy. Even if no one is around for miles and miles and miles of beach, the tide will still come in and go out. It works in order, on a schedule, just as He designed.

I love that. I love that all of creation functions in the way He designed. Tides coming in, flowers blooming, bees buzzing, snakes slithering, rabbits hopping, squirrels gathering, trees shedding leaves and growing new ones. It all works in harmony according to His plan. We are the ones that have marred it when we brought sin into the world.

And yet He calls to us. He pursues us. He offers us rest and shelter from the storms of life. The storms we have brought upon ourselves.

And in the midst of it all, He gives us moments of success, of joy, of love and laughter! So much more than we deserve. What a wonderful, gracious and merciful God He is.

Thank you, Father...your little girl is coming for rest....

Changing seasons

Time flies.

We get so wrapped up in life. We get carried along by the swift current of the river. Sometimes it's more forceful than others. Sometimes it's all you can do to hold on, much less enjoy.

Change comes.

Seasons change. Things change all around us. Sometimes we are just the observer and the change doesn't affect us. Sometimes it touches us to the core of our very being, and there's not a single thing we can do about it.

Except hold on for dear life. And pray that there isn't a set of waterfalls around the next bend.

The River rushes on

Wow, I just reread my last post -- dang, I am LONG-WINDED! Sorry about that. Congrats to any of you that made it through the whole thing!

Anyway...I am off -- leaving on a jet plane, as the song goes. However, I do know when I'll be back, and that is Sunday evening!

My, how time flies. My little sister is getting married. Makes me feel old. Not discontented, just old. Actually, it has put me in a sentimental sort of mood. I feel like I'm about to write the sister version of Bob Carlisle's 'Butterfly Kisses'. I'd have to call it 'Quesadillas and Brownie Sundaes'. Our trademark tradition for years. And only at Friendly's!

I also remember when she was little. I did a lot of babysitting in my family. I love kids. I love my sisters and my brother! But she was the challenge. Actually, that doesn't even begin to describe what she was! And I can say this because she does know it. :-) We've had many a laugh over it since.

Let's just say that God blessed her with a very healthy set of vocal cords (which she was not afraid to use to their maximum volume!!) and a very strong-willed personality!! Both are good attributes, but as a child, they did present me with a few difficult babysitting situations. :-)

But we made it through, and now she's all growed up. (Yes, I did intend to say "growed") And as much as I love her, I hope she has a kid just like her. [wicked little smile]

'Twill be too much fun to sit on the sidelines and watch that unfold!

So I raise my glass of seltzer to my sister -- just to her for now. He'll get his attention tomorrow.

To a precious little girl with curly hair and a fiesty little personality!
And to the beautiful young woman she has become --
still with curly hair, and a great personality,
but with a few of the rough edges smoothed out.

I love you.
And I'll always be here for you.
I'm so very proud of you,
and it is with great joy that I celebrate this "special-est"
of occasions with you!
To you! And to many happy years to come.

Prison break

Have you ever been incarcerated?

I have. Pretty recently, in fact.

Now before you get all shook up, I haven't been to state, or federal prison, or even the county jail. No, my prison was of my own making. And the funny thing is, I didn't even realize that I was no longer free.

Before you completely blow me off and think me crazy, let me explain a little.

You see, I can't take it when people disrespect me. Or when they lie. Or when they have no regard for anyone else's feelings or opinions, and instead do whatever the hell they feel like. And I ESPECIALLY hate it when they go along with you verbally, agree, "yes, yes, yes, OK, we'll do it that way", and then go and do it the way they want anyway.

I know I'm not alone in this. Any woman that has been taken advantage of by a man she trusted would tell you that they feel the same way. Or at least, that they felt that way for a while.

This is such a struggle for me. Last night someone did the same thing I just described. Went along with the group, was agreeing about how to do something, then went and did it his own way anyway. And no one could say anything because it was too late. But it affected all of us.

And I was mad. No, actually, more than that. I was livid. Red hot with rage.

It stayed with me all evening. It stayed with me while I slept. I felt it when I woke up this morning.

And I was miserable. I got an email from someone else saying that they had learned to not let it bother them, and they wished I could get to that point too. No, this is not the first time this has happened. You'd think that I could grow up a little and learn to let go when people are so self centered.

But I couldn't.

I stayed in bed for a while this morning. Feeling sorry for myself and nursing my anger. Rehashing in my head how much men just take advantage and are self centered and stubborn.

(not all men, mind you, just a few in particular)

Not only was I miserable this morning, I was achy and uncomfortable too. Sore muscles, headache, all sorts of symptoms. Even my cat was avoiding me. And I just wanted him to snuggle with me! I wasn't even taking my frustration out on him. I knew I had to get up and get going because I have to be somewhere this morning, so I finally decided that if there was any chance of it being a good day, it would certainly help if I got up and ran for a little while. Fresh air is always good for your mood, and your body.

So I dragged myself out of bed and went. I ran for a little while, then when I got to the river I stopped. I leaned on the fence in the park and watched the water. It was so beautiful this morning. I prayed for a while.

"God, I'm so mad at him, why does he have to be so stubborn and get away with it all the time?! " I prayed that God would teach him a lesson. That God would get ahold of him and change his heart.

I prayed for a while. But I didn't feel any better. In fact, I was getting more and more angry because it didn't seem like God was agreeing with me, or even hearing my prayer.

I was so frustrated. So angry. So hurt. Everytime something like this happens it brings up all the old feelings from past situations. And it just adds fuel to the fire.

I sat down on the ground, tired, angry, feeling so very alone. God wasn't listening. I felt like evil was getting its way.

As I sat on the ground and looked out at the river again, I had a shocking realization. God was no longer silent.

I had been leaning on a wrought iron fence. When I sat down on the ground and looked out at the river again, all I could see were the bars. The brim of my hat kept me from being able to see the top of the fence. I was sitting in a corner of the fence, so it really felt like it was surrounding me. It was all I could see.

I was in prison.

And it was because of my own stubbornness. You see, if I would just forgive and let go, then other people's selfishness and stubbornness would not affect me this way. But holding on like I always do, wishing for vengeance, rehashing in my mind everything that they've done to hurt me, this is a prison sentance. And I impose it upon myself.

It was as if God was saying to me in that moment, "You alone have the ability to release yourself. You must forgive and allow me to work. You hold his stubborrnness and selfishness against him, yet you sit there with the same attitudes yourself. You will never be free until you learn to forgive."

WOW, those are tough words. Words I did NOT want to hear. And I sat there struggling and arguing in my mind.

I finally made the decision to let it go and forgive -- and ya know, it DID bring freedom. It lifted a weight from my chest. The difficult part is, I know it's not over. I know it's gonna happen again. And I know that I will probably initially hold on to my resentment rather than let it go. But the bars of that fence were such a perfectly timed picture. That image will stay in my mind for a while. And hopefully, I will not be too stubborn to learn the lesson again if needed.

There are other people that I still hold resentment against. People that come to mind even now. And I can see the bars I've created for myself there too. I'm not completely free yet. But I've had a taste of freedom this morning, on the banks of the river, and I want to do whatever it takes to release the other prison doors as well.

My dream house now belongs to...

Someone else.

Funny thing -- as you grow up you start to think about more grown up things. Like owning property. Like how nice it would be to be able to paint your living room deep shades of green without your landlord going nuts.

If you're me, you dream of a timeless brick exterior, and beautiful hardwood floors. Cedar lined closets and lots of windows. Manageable size, not too big. Not too much fixing up needed, but enough cosmetic changes needed so that you can make it your own. Small yard ~ big enough for a BBQ with a few friends, enough space for the cat to establish his own territory, but not so much that the upkeep would be a full time job.

Yes. I dream. And for a little while, there was a slight possibility that that dream might be on its way to becoming reality!

But no longer.

Alas, the house has been sold.

As much as I really didn't imagine that it would be possible at this time in my life to own that piece of property and home, it really did strike a very sad chord in my heart to hear that it was sold.

One thing the house did not have is a river. I guess at this time in my life I am to continue to live here, on the river, and watch my life ebb and flow over boulders and under bridges until a more settled time.

There will be other brick houses with hardwood floors.

The teacher becomes the student

They say that in life you never stop learning. Or should never stop learning. Or maybe it's that you should never lose your child-like thirst for knowledge.

Well, I never claimed to be good at quoting "them". Who are "they" anyway?! Nameless people that act as authorities on life and how to live it. :-) And we give them so much credit, these nameless, faceless people! "Well, you know what they say..." And we LIVE by that!

Too funny.

But back to learning. Sorry for the tangent!

I did something last night that I haven't done in close to 13 years. I had a piano lesson -- but as the student, not the teacher! Talk about scary! It's hard to go back to being a student after you've done things independently, and even been paid to teach others what you know!

But learning is good. I get stuck in a rut. I've been stuck in the same rut for 13 years. Getting better at it for sure, but it's the same old rut. My goal is to take lessons for a few months and really branch out. Learn some new styles, some new techniques, and expand my abilities!! Be more creative.

But the downside... wow that's the hard part! I have to actually practice now! Just sitting down and playing whatever is in my heart to play doesn't cut it when you're reporting to someone each week! It's back to scales and boring exercises.

(ugh, gag me)

And the worst part of all?! I had to cut my fingernails!! My teacher really harped (nicely, but still harped!) on my technique! Apparently my relaxed fingering is part of what is holding me back from fancier styles and improvisation. My wrists are good, my posture is good, but my fingers are too relaxed. It's great for the ballad-y type stuff I play now, but not for the stuff I want to learn.

I watched him play, and WOW. I vowed to do whatever it takes to try to learn how to play more like him. So tonight I had a little ceremony with my nail clippers and a garbage can---

OK, not really. No ceremony. :-) I just cut my nails and went to find a piano to practice on. I practiced for a while, realized how F A R I have to go to get where I want to be, and promptly got discouraged!!!

But then I remembered that Rome was not built in a day, and then I reminded myself that I've learned a lot of new things lately, and it just takes time and effort -- and then I wasn't so discouraged.

So...there's a lot to learn. A lot of hard work. But I'm excited!! I feel like I'm on the verge of a whole new world musically. And THAT, my friends, just thrills me to the very core of my being!

Too bad I can't take my piano to the banks of the river and play there!! Maybe I'd better dust off my guitar too...