Prison break

Have you ever been incarcerated?

I have. Pretty recently, in fact.

Now before you get all shook up, I haven't been to state, or federal prison, or even the county jail. No, my prison was of my own making. And the funny thing is, I didn't even realize that I was no longer free.

Before you completely blow me off and think me crazy, let me explain a little.

You see, I can't take it when people disrespect me. Or when they lie. Or when they have no regard for anyone else's feelings or opinions, and instead do whatever the hell they feel like. And I ESPECIALLY hate it when they go along with you verbally, agree, "yes, yes, yes, OK, we'll do it that way", and then go and do it the way they want anyway.

I know I'm not alone in this. Any woman that has been taken advantage of by a man she trusted would tell you that they feel the same way. Or at least, that they felt that way for a while.

This is such a struggle for me. Last night someone did the same thing I just described. Went along with the group, was agreeing about how to do something, then went and did it his own way anyway. And no one could say anything because it was too late. But it affected all of us.

And I was mad. No, actually, more than that. I was livid. Red hot with rage.

It stayed with me all evening. It stayed with me while I slept. I felt it when I woke up this morning.

And I was miserable. I got an email from someone else saying that they had learned to not let it bother them, and they wished I could get to that point too. No, this is not the first time this has happened. You'd think that I could grow up a little and learn to let go when people are so self centered.

But I couldn't.

I stayed in bed for a while this morning. Feeling sorry for myself and nursing my anger. Rehashing in my head how much men just take advantage and are self centered and stubborn.

(not all men, mind you, just a few in particular)

Not only was I miserable this morning, I was achy and uncomfortable too. Sore muscles, headache, all sorts of symptoms. Even my cat was avoiding me. And I just wanted him to snuggle with me! I wasn't even taking my frustration out on him. I knew I had to get up and get going because I have to be somewhere this morning, so I finally decided that if there was any chance of it being a good day, it would certainly help if I got up and ran for a little while. Fresh air is always good for your mood, and your body.

So I dragged myself out of bed and went. I ran for a little while, then when I got to the river I stopped. I leaned on the fence in the park and watched the water. It was so beautiful this morning. I prayed for a while.

"God, I'm so mad at him, why does he have to be so stubborn and get away with it all the time?! " I prayed that God would teach him a lesson. That God would get ahold of him and change his heart.

I prayed for a while. But I didn't feel any better. In fact, I was getting more and more angry because it didn't seem like God was agreeing with me, or even hearing my prayer.

I was so frustrated. So angry. So hurt. Everytime something like this happens it brings up all the old feelings from past situations. And it just adds fuel to the fire.

I sat down on the ground, tired, angry, feeling so very alone. God wasn't listening. I felt like evil was getting its way.

As I sat on the ground and looked out at the river again, I had a shocking realization. God was no longer silent.

I had been leaning on a wrought iron fence. When I sat down on the ground and looked out at the river again, all I could see were the bars. The brim of my hat kept me from being able to see the top of the fence. I was sitting in a corner of the fence, so it really felt like it was surrounding me. It was all I could see.

I was in prison.

And it was because of my own stubbornness. You see, if I would just forgive and let go, then other people's selfishness and stubbornness would not affect me this way. But holding on like I always do, wishing for vengeance, rehashing in my mind everything that they've done to hurt me, this is a prison sentance. And I impose it upon myself.

It was as if God was saying to me in that moment, "You alone have the ability to release yourself. You must forgive and allow me to work. You hold his stubborrnness and selfishness against him, yet you sit there with the same attitudes yourself. You will never be free until you learn to forgive."

WOW, those are tough words. Words I did NOT want to hear. And I sat there struggling and arguing in my mind.

I finally made the decision to let it go and forgive -- and ya know, it DID bring freedom. It lifted a weight from my chest. The difficult part is, I know it's not over. I know it's gonna happen again. And I know that I will probably initially hold on to my resentment rather than let it go. But the bars of that fence were such a perfectly timed picture. That image will stay in my mind for a while. And hopefully, I will not be too stubborn to learn the lesson again if needed.

There are other people that I still hold resentment against. People that come to mind even now. And I can see the bars I've created for myself there too. I'm not completely free yet. But I've had a taste of freedom this morning, on the banks of the river, and I want to do whatever it takes to release the other prison doors as well.